Unhelpful security questions

Dear Apple

I presume there is a sensible and Very Important Reason for suddenly requiring me to select some security questions for my iTunes store account.

However, you appear to have failed Designing Security Questions 101. In fact, you appear not to have even enrolled in it.

I struggled to pick suitable questions from your options for my first two questions, but eventually I settled on a couple. However, then I was supposed to pick a third and final question. I presume you thought that giving me five options would increase the chances of finding one that would suit me. Well, let’s explain what’s wrong with that theory.

Which of the cars you have owned has been your least favourite?
I liked them all. And, besides, if I decide that it was my Lamborghini Countach*, will it matter if I spell it with upper or lower case letters, and what if I decide to recall it as my “Lamborghini” or my “Countach” instead of “Lamborghini Countach”? Where is the guarantee of uniqueness in my answer?

Who was your least favourite teacher?
I don’t have one. Or if I did, I can’t remember who it is/was right now. And there’s certainly no guarantee that I will remember tomorrow (or, if I do remember a least favourite tomorrow, it may not even be the same person!). This question can’t guarantee a unique answer either.

Where was your least favourite job?
I haven’t had a least favourite job, either. Or, if I go with “garbage collector”** then is the answer to “Where?” (i) “the streets of Laredo”, (ii) “Texas”, or (iii) “back of a garbage truck”? Too much ambiguity, again.

In which city did my father and mother meet?
Since I don’t know for sure, I suppose I could ask them but there’s no guarantee that I’d remember anyway. And who said it was a city? There goes option number four.

Where was I on January 1 2000?
I can’t remember. As it happens, however, I am a chronic chronicler, which means I can find out. So I went and looked it up, and apparently I was in several places: Paris, Moscow, New York, Cape Town, Shijiazhuang, and Murdunna***. Which one do I pick?

Finally, you have not even given me the option to construct my own question.

So, Apple, although I have quite appreciated some of what you have offered, my failure to pick a third security question seems to render me unable to further partake in the iTunes experience.

Which is a pity, because I need to update Angry Birds.****

Yours sincerely

Helen

* Alright, it was a Porsche 911.

** Alright, I haven’t been a garbage collector (and certainly not in Texas; this came about because “on the streets” suddenly sounded better as “the streets of Laredo”), but I’ve had a cleaning job, and it was quite satisfying.

*** Alright, although it was several places, it was none of those listed. Not even Murdunna.

**** Alright, I’ve mostly given up Angry Birds. But you know what I mean.